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It’s a tragedy when two people fall in love, get married with hopes and dreams and then a few short years later are trying to save the marriage. Just when you think everything is going along nicely you hear the words, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”. It may have seemed to come out of thin air or you may have been suppressing a niggling suspicion that something was wrong. There may or may not be infidelity, abuse or neglect but one thing is certain; it’s going to take work to restore the relationship. The good news however is that it is possible to not just restore it, but create a foundation for a much stronger and healthier one.

The 15 biggest mistakes people make when trying to rescue their relationship and what to do instead

The 15 biggest mistakes people make when trying to rescue their relationship and what to do instead

Step 1 to Save the Marriage

Identify the problem. The fact that you hear, “I love you” should be a real encouragement. The, “but” is a cry for help indicating that something is missing. The marriage has love but something is draining away the life and sparkle of the relationship. Communication is the key at this point to discover the real cause of the problem. The fact that love is there means that there is hope and a desire to save the marriage can be kindled into a flame of passion. However if you don’t want the flame to flicker and then go out again, you’ll need to identify the real problem. The solution is to keep talking until the problem surfaces. Use the what, where, when and why questions to identify the root of the problem so you know what you are dealing with.

Step 2 to Save the Marriage

It took a lot of talking to identify the problem and it’s going to take more talking to workout a solution. If you are not the talkative type, you may need to evaluate the relationship to determine that it’s worth the effort of communicating. Even if the problem has gone on for a long time it is still possible to change habits and routines in order to save the marriage if you want too. It’s a time to workout what changes need to take place and how you plan to implement them.

Discussing how you plan to implement change is very important because it determines the level of personal commitment and the true amount of change required. For example a woman who is home alone five nights a week because of her husband’s work may be feeling lonely. The solution could be a single action or a combination of things such as a change of work for the husband, a more active social life for the woman or a combination such as a change of hours for the husband so he can spend two more evenings at home, but the woman also having an evening socializing with friends.

Another example could be that a woman feels lonely even when her husband is home because he doesn’t talk to her. Before a solution is worked on, there needs to be further investigation into why he’s so quiet. The root of the problem could mean further work needs to be done. Consider whether this is a change in personality or has he always been quiet. If he’s always been quiet then you’re not likely to see a huge change and you may need to be more accepting of him and look for alternative ways of drawing him into conversation and activity. If it’s a recent change in personality it could be that he’s worried about something or has been hurt by someone, in which case ask questions but tread carefully and back off if he’s not ready to talk.  Just tell him you’re there when he’s ready.

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Step 3 – To Save the Marriage

Take the necessary action that you agree on and have regular meetings to specifically talk about the effect of the change. Realize that progress may well be slow, especially where there has been betrayal or hurt of some kind. Be continually positive and loving as you make changes and remember that the aim is to change either the dynamics of the relationship or yourself, but never your partner as that’s their issue. If you are willing to work lovingly and patiently over a long period of time then in most cases you’ll be able to save the marriage if you both really want to see the flames of passion and romance ablaze again.

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‘The 15 Biggest Critical Mistakes Made in a Relationship and What You Should Have Done Instead!’